Part Seventeen
 
 

The singing of the birds and the rustling of the new green leaves in the
spring breeze were the only sounds that reverberated throughout the
consecrated grounds.  As Nat solemnly stood looking over Mark's grave, a cool
light wind pushed at her dark raincoat beneath the cloud filled skies.  The
graveside services had been well attended, and everyone from Mark's family had
been so caring and attentive to her; but shame and guilt would not allow for
condolences.  All of their sympathy was a waste on her, if they only knew that
she was responsible for his death.  She would never forgive herself, she only
hoped that he now found the peace that he deserved.

She looked around her; Mark had been buried next to his father.  She had heard
that he was a brilliant professor, but she had never met him.  From old family
albums, she had seen that Mark had looked a lot like him.  It seemed that he
was as intelligent as he was as well.  She took in a deep breath, and rapidly
let it out almost as a sigh.  Everyone had left a long time ago.  They had
tried to get her to leave with them, but she convinced them that she needed a
little time alone to say good-bye.  To say good-bye, what a strange phrase in
this circumstance.  Good-bye was something she said to her co-workers when she
left for home each morning.  It was something that she said when she ended a
telephone conversation.  It somehow always meant that she would be seeing that
person later or talking to them possibly again.  It was a pleasantry when she
said it; she never meant it to mean forever.  She was not here now to say
good-bye to Mark, because that would mean that they might soon be reunited,
and that would never be.  Death was final, no good-byes, no turning back, and
no more chances.  This was farewell, a departure from which there existed no
possibility for amends.

A bird screeched out as it flew overhead, and she shifted her attention to it.
As she watched, she saw it soon became joined by more of its kind as they
soared freely through the air as they returned from their winter sanctuaries
further south.  Life was beginning its natural cycle again.  Every plant and
animal was filled with the promise of new life, but she felt so empty.

The sound of footsteps on the gravel path approaching her caused her to look
around.  She smiled out of habit to him, but she still preferred to be alone
at this moment.  He extended his hand out to her.

"Nat, it's time to go home."

"I can't go home, there are too many reminders."

"Staying here is not a reminder?"

"I don't want to leave him again, at least I can be here for him now."

He put his arm down and walked closer to her.  "Why are you punishing yourself
like this?"

"Don't you understand Nick?  I was not there for him when he was sick and
dying.  I was with you!"

"And so because you were not with him when he was alive, you will stay with
him now that he is dead?  Will dwelling with the dead take away your guilt?"

"No."  Tears rolled down her cheeks as she shook her head.  "Nothing will
absolve what I've done."

"Nat, Mark knew about us.  He only loved you and wished the best for you.  He
forgave how the two of you drifted apart, now you have to forgive too."

Giving Mark's final resting place one last look, she turned and took a few
steps towards the gates and their cars, then stopped.  "I still do not
understand why he gave up his life to see me in the sun.  Why was it so
important?"  Turning to look intently at him, she studied his eyes.  "What did
Mark mean when he wrote that you could explain my illness to me?"

"It's not important anymore, he cured you."

"I want to know why it was worth dying for."

"You have to forget about it, it is too dangerous.  Hasn't Mark's death proved
that?"

"What makes you think that only you can handle the knowledge of this disease?"

"Because I also had what Mark cured in you, and soon I will have it again."

Frightened by his statement, she didn't breath for a moment.  Then slowly she
walked towards him and cupped her hands gently around his face.  Sadly, she
whispered.  "So on this day that I bury my husband, I find out that I will
soon lose you too."

He leaned his head forward and pressed his forehead against hers.  Then moving
back, he gently kissed her forehead and smiled at her.  "Do you want to stay
at the loft until you feel better?"

"No. It's time for me to go home.  It's time for me to face my past."

                                   --------

Nick had been by the Morgue to see how Nat was doing last night.  Two weeks
had passed and she had not contacted him.  He knew that she needed time to
sort out her feelings, but he was worried that she might be pushing herself
too fast by going immediately back to work after the funeral.  However, when
he had seen her, her spirits seemed high, and she had even promised to drop by
tonight to talk.

He moved around the loft trying to straighten things some before she arrived.
He had missed her terribly, if only he could take away her pain.  He also had
not seen Carrie since Mark's funeral.  After witnessing Mark's devotion to
Nat, the thought of returning to that horrible woman that he had been forced
to marry, was impossible.  He had not told Carrie yet, but he had no plans on
ever stepping foot into that mansion of hers again.  As far as he was
concerned, this sham of a marriage was over.  They had been separated mentally
and emotionally since the day they had met, and now he would seal that
division by making their separation a physical one as well.

Being back in the loft full time was good for him, it was at the precinct or
here that his life made any sense at all.  He lingered by the opened window in
hopes of catching a much-needed glance of Nat. He missed her company, without
her he felt that the world was an empty place.

With the first glimpse of her car pulling to a stop in front of his building,
he rushed to the intercom to buzz her in.  The weather had been so warm, and
she was only wearing a light sweater over her dress that was barely visible to
him from the dimly lit street.  His heart raced with the anticipation of her
nearness, but he knew that he would wait for her to be ready.

The elevator slowly shook to a stop on his floor, and he was waiting to greet
her.  Holding both hands out to her, she smiled as she tightly took hold of
them.  They stood there by the elevator just enjoying each other's presence,
both nervous about approaching the other.  Realizing the awkwardness of their
situation, Nick broke the uneasiness by suggesting that they sit down.
Holding onto one hand, he gently brought her to the living room where they sat
together.  He longed to hold her, but held back waiting for any sign from her
that enough time had passed for her to be comfortable with him again.  In her
eyes he saw that she was also holding back, but she was restraining words not
feelings.  There was still so much for her that needed to be answered, and
with Mark's letter to her, he could not see avoiding the inevitable questions.

"Nat, how have you been doing?"

"You were right, I'm surviving."

"I've missed you.  Is there anything that I can do to help you?"

"I want to know Nick.  I want to understand what I had and what you are going
to return to."

Standing up, he walked to look out the window for a moment before turning back
to her.  "Can you understand that some things are better off left unsaid?
That you could be hurt more from knowledge then by ignorance?"

Rising from her seat, she moved to where he stood by the window.  "This virus
that I had, is going to take you away from me as Mark thought it would take me
from him.  How can I stand back and watch you become consumed and not do
something?"

Reaching over to her, he ran his hand down the side of her face.  The breeze
from the opened window felt warm and soft in her hair.  "Nat, don't you see
the damage that this virus has already caused?  The search for its cure must
end.  There has been enough tragedy, let it be over."

She looked down to the ground.  "Then without a cure, we will be over too."

Pulling her into his arms, he held her tightly.  "No, no matter what we do or
try to change, we will be together.  Our relationship has been guided by more
than just our desires.  You will always be a part of me, and I a part of you."

Pulling back to view him, she looked pleadingly at him.  "Will you tell me
when the time comes that this will come between us?"

"Yes, I will tell you when it is time.  But for now, we must remember that
every moment that we are given is a gift.  There is no past and no future,
there is only now.  Nat, will you be with me now?"

Taking his hand in hers, she squeezed it as she lovingly gazed at him.  "Yes,
I'll be with you for as long as life allows us."

"Then you are no longer frightened by the future?"

"Not as long as you're here with me."

Leaning towards her, his mouth found hers, and they kissed hungrily.  There
were no more questions; there was only their love.
 

End Part Seventeen

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