Part Five
 

Natalie pulled up in front of Nicholas's building, and could hear the music
playing as soon as she stepped outside of her car.  It sounded as though
Nick was throwing a party, but she could not think of a less likely event
happening at the loft.  She reached for her medical bag, and began to worry
about what to expect when she got up there.  After locking her car's door,
she looked up at the loft's windows.  There was hardly any light coming from
the top of the building.  If it wasn't for the music, she would had thought
that no one was there.  She decided to try and ring the bell, and see if she
could give him some notice that she was about to visit with him.  The music
must of been too loud, and she gave up after a few tries.  She comfortably
hit in the security code that Nick had given to her, and rode the elevator
to the living area in his loft.  The door opened, and she was almost
physically pushed back by the booming waves of the music.  She got off the
elevator, and stood stunned as the door closed behind her.  A quick
examination of the room told her that she was right about the amount of
light that she had seen from the street.  One candle burned near Nick's
painting.  Nick's painting?  It was covered in blood.  What was going on
here?  Where was Nick?  Something was wrong, and she was really starting to
feel uneasy.  She quickly went to turn on a light, and almost tripped over
Nicholas who was still lying on the floor by his painting.

"What in hell is going on in here?"

Nicholas pulled himself into a sitting position, and looked up at her with a
confused expression.

"Did I forget that you were coming over tonight?"

If she wasn't so angry about the condition she found Nick and the loft in,
she would have felt guilty about showing up without advanced notice.  This
was not a good omen, he certainly did not look as if he were in the mood for
one of her new proposals.  Her head was beginning to throb at the same
rhythm as the deafening music.  She had hardly been able to make out the
words of Nick's last sentence, and she shouted at the top of her lungs to be
heard above the noise.

"I'm going to turn down the volume!"

Nicholas calmly watched as she walked towards the CD player, and searched
for the switch that would end the racket.  Although she had showed up
uninvited, he was pleased to see her.  No matter how bad things got, she
somehow always seemed to remind him of the good that existed in the world.
She located the volume control, and moved it down to a normal level, and
then turned back to Nick who was still seated on the floor.  Hoping that he
was not upset by her impromptu arrival, she thought that maybe she could set
the tone with a little humor.

"Let me guess....You were trying to wake the dead?"

Nicholas stood up, and grinned as he walked towards Natalie.

"Interesting idea, but I wouldn't dream of taking over your plans for a
cure."

Natalie breathed a sigh of relief, he was okay with her being there.  She
smiled, and gestured at the appearance of the room.

"Nick, are you all right?  I'm not sure what to make of all this."

Nicholas looked down at the empty bottles by his feet, and then at the
ruined painting.  There was too much on his mind to burden Natalie with, it
was just nice that she was with him now.

"I'm fine Nat, really."  He studied the effect of the blood on the painting
then turned back to Natalie.

"Would you believe that I'm perfecting a new style of art?"  He really
wanted to drop the subject so he got close to her and reached for her hand.

"Shouldn't you be at work about now?  I didn't think I'd be seeing you
tonight."

Natalie gave his hand a short nervous squeeze then quickly let go.  She held
up her bag with both hands, and waved it in front of Nick as a reminder.

"I know how busy its been for the both of us lately, so I took the night
off. I brought everything I need for some samples, but I think it would be a
good idea if we could sit down and talk."

Nicholas smiled at the thought of her persistence in the search for his
cure. He momentarily indulged in the fantasy of the two of them growing old
together.  Thoughts of a mortal life with her paraded before him.  He
dreamed of a home and a family of his own, and Natalie as the mother of his
children. What a beautiful mother she would be.

Natalie was becoming impatient watching Nicholas daydream.

"How about if I take some blood samples first, and then we can talk?"

Nicholas yawned and stretched, and walked behind Natalie and slid his arms
around her waist.  He whispered into her ear, his lips softly touching her
long dark wavy hair.

"Listen Nat, let's do something else.  Something more fun."

His voice made her shiver with excitement, or was that anxiety?  She didn't
know, and at this moment, she didn't care.  Closing her eyes, she allowed
herself to get lost in a rare special moment.

He teased her, "So what can we do for fun?"  He held her tightly, and felt
himself becoming intoxicated by her scent.  The scent of her blood.
Struggling to push the thought of his craving for her away, he again
whispered,

"I want a life with you already Natalie."

Natalie pressed herself back against him, as he held her securely. His words
repeated over and over in her mind.  A life with him, this had been all she
had thought of since the first time she saw him.  There would be no better
time than now.  Now was the time to tell him what she had been working on.
Praying that she would have the courage to reveal this new plan to him, she
turned in his arms towards him.

Nick, I have been thinking about a possible way to bring you back across.
It's only a theory.  A weak theory.  I don't know if you'll do it, and I
don't know if you'll like it, and I probably shouldn't have even mentioned
it and......"

Nicholas placed his finger over her lips.

"Nat.....Nat, calm down."

Easing her head towards his chest, he gently stroked her hair.  He felt a
warm glow inside.  She was excited because of him, for him.  In all his
years he had no idea how much love it was possible to feel.

"Nat, tell me your idea, and we will talk about it."

Natalie pulled away slightly, and looked deeply into his eyes.

"This may be another dead end, Nick.  I've tried to look at this from every
angle, and I don't want to hurt you."

He pulled her close to him again.  He loved that she dedicated so much of
her time to him, but he also did not want to be disappointed again.  He
pulled away to look at her.

"Nat, tell me what you are thinking, and I will let you know if I am willing
to try again.......  Nat, do you hear what I am saying?  This will be my
decision, not yours."

Natalie's eyes began to fill with tears.  She took a deep breath and softly
whispered,

"This time Nick, it is *not* just your decision."

He lifted her chin as tears began to slide down her face.

"Nat, I don't understand.  Who else would be involved?  Is this a new drug
or a protein shake?  Nat, this is not making sense."

He became deadly serious.  Something was really frightening her, and she was
concerned how to tell him.  Concentrating on her expression he firmly and
directly asked,

"Who else Nat?....  Who else would this effect?"

Natalie stepped back, and dried away the tears as more came to replace them.

"Nick, let me explain the whole concept before you say anything.  Promise me
that you'll hear me out."

Natalie looked at Nicholas with all the hope in the world reflecting in her
eyes.  How could he refuse her?  Although there was something very
frightening in her tone. Taking her by the hand, he sat down with her on the
sofa, and studied her for many moments.  Doubting the sanity in pursuing
this, he gazed into her frightened anxious eyes.  Eyes filled with hope and
longing.  He broke the prolonged silence.

"Okay, I'm ready.  What might make me regain my life?  My soul.  What is
there left for me to do?

Natalie felt the despair in his voice.  His questions were not only seeking
out answers, they were cries for help.  Natalie silently breathed a prayer.
This was going to be a rough evening.

* * * * * * * *

Nicholas jumped up from the sofa with both hands holding the sides of his
face.

"NO!  NEVER!  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I would never take that chance with you!"

Nicholas began to pace the loft as she walked beside him trying to calm him,
but he could hardly tell that she was there.  How could she suggest
something like this?  She had no idea what she was getting herself into.
Hell, he had no idea, no one could.  This had never been attempted.  Even if
it worked there were still too many questions that would need to be
addressed.

"No Nat!  I will not allow this!  It is all too dangerous.  I can not risk
another's life on this quest of mine.  Or should I say the risking of two
lives if you are successful?"

He had begun to pace the loft, and lost all track of time.  His only
thoughts were of her incredulous words of the insane experiment that she
proposed.  His mind was a blur of thoughts, and his steps became heavy and
quickened as he tried to make sense of her latest proposal.

His gaze was glued to the floor as his emotions tore him apart inside. Again
the realization of Nat's words stung at him, and he tightly closed his eyes
momentarily as he continued to pace.  Trying to decide if the pain of
walking into the sun could be any worse than what he was now experiencing.

Each time he closed his eyes, he slowly shook his head.  There was too much
at stake.  Even if she could accomplish the impossible, no one could predict
what the outcome would be.  She would most likely never survive the process.
   What would it do to her?

Opening his eyes, he looked towards the loft's ceiling.  Was he expecting
G-d to help him with this dilemma?  A G-d that he had forsaken long ago.  A
G-d that allowed for a creature like himself to even exist.  He quickly
looked back down towards the area carpet on the floor, ashamed that he had
even allowed his face to be seen by the heavens.  But Natalie believed in
G-d, and she believed in him.

Again he shook his head, and his agitation increased.  'No there had to be
another way.' He had waited this long already, he could wait longer.  After
all, he had all the time in the world.  Again he closed his eyes, but
Natalie didn't.  She was not immortal.  Each day she grew older.  Four years
since he had met her, and he had never aged a moment.  Time would not stop
for Natalie to develop a cure.  Natalie would do as all mortals, she would
grow old and die, and all the time he would remain young and a vampire.

Of two things, he was always certain.  He would always be a slave to
LaCroix, and he would never merit a place in the world to come.  Ten
thousand lifetimes LaCroix had promised him in exchange for his mortality.
The temptation was too great for him.  To be eternal, and to be with
Janette.  He would of thought himself to be a fool to not accept.  LaCroix
had not lied.  His master had given him forever.  He had seen the worst and
the best of countless generations.  A personal witness to a world ever
changing. Observing great cities rise and then fall due to age or war.
Silently watching as a generation was born, grew, loved, and died and then
their children and grandchildren doing the same.  During all this he never
changed.  LaCroix had truly delivered all that he proclaimed.  His one short
life seemed so small a price to pay for the gift of eternity.  But, when he
gave LaCroix his mortal life, he gave him everything he had of value.

His intrinsic value drained by LaCroix,  an existence filled with
nothingness.  A body without subsistence.  To live eternity with the
constant awareness that he was nothing more than a shadow, an empty shell.
Being alive, yet never able to live.  To watch life, but never to be a part
of it. Always on the outside watching, and always feeling the loneliness of
knowing that he would never be a part of what life could offer.

Life.  He chose this path because he wanted life never-ending.  Limitless
options, numberless years, innumerable experiences.  To spend each day, each
season, each year with no regard to finality.  To have an endless amount of
lifetimes.  Yes, who could pass up this invitation?

When he met Janette and LaCroix, he was young and eager to travel this
unknown path.  To be there and watch as history unfolded.  Unfortunately for
him, LaCroix had failed to point out the cost of this utopia.  A cost with a
premium beyond his imagination.  A charge that would eventually crush his
soul.  A price too dear to ever allow for tranquillity.  The fantasy of life
eternal gone only to be replaced by a life of desperation.  Never knowing
when the beast would erupt, and what innocent might be within its bounds.
His constant battle for control with the beast always trying to take hold
and be in power.  For now he had the upper hand, and he knew the importance
to never let the beast prevail.

A thousand questions raced through his mind, but he couldn't think clearly
enough to verbalize even one.  Her words repeated themselves in his
thoughts, and again he protested.

"What if something goes wrong?  Is there any reason to believe that this
would work?  Is there any logic to this theory?"

Natalie started to approach him, but he turned away angrily.

"This is not a solution.  This is insanity.  I will not have it!"

The pacing began to slow, but his pain and desperation were obvious.  After
unsuccessfully trying to keep pace with Nick, Natalie gave up and returned
to the sofa.  Studying him in silence, she watched him struggle with the
implications of her idea.  She was not afraid to try.  Maybe it was the
scientist in her, or maybe she loved him more than any possible risks.  He
was having a difficult time as she knew he would.  She had been considering
all of this for a very long time now.  There had been many months to
integrate all that she had just presented to him in only twenty minutes. She
was prepared. He was just in shock.  The disbelief, the questions, and the
horror in his eyes was scaring her.  Her words had upset him more than she
thought possible. He needed time now, and she would wait.  She would be
there when the inevitable questions from him would begin.  The loft echoed
with the sounds of Nick's footsteps.  The sounds of his footsteps only
slowing to turn and start the pace again in the other direction.  Natalie
began to relax.  His anger was subsiding now.  It was obvious that he was
trying to sort out all the new information.  There was nothing she could do
now but remain quiet and wait.

Natalie sighed as she watched Nicholas pace the loft.  Without doubt, he
would have an endless stream of questions shortly, or maybe he would only
have objections.  She looked up in disbelief of his obsessant pacing.  The
waiting was beginning to get to her.  She wanted him to say anything, even
out of anger.  She could handle anger, or fear, or guilt, but his silent
urgent walking was making her think that she would lose her mind.  How much
longer would he continue?  Sighing again, she drew an even deeper breath
than before.  How did she get to this?  Her thoughts began to drift away as
the rhythm of Nick's footsteps faded into the background.

* * * * * * * *

"Natalie, lets go over to the frat house.  There's going to be a great
party, and I hear there's going to be a lot of new guys.  They always have
the best music and refreshments.  Come on, you'll study later.  The party
starts now. Let's go before all the good looking ones get taken."

Natalie was barely listening to Ellen go on about the party.  She was trying
to do a little extra studying on the latest research in biochemical
molecular genetics.  The library was her favorite place to be.  Everything
was so readily available.  So many recent journals, and all within easy
reach.  The reference materials were invaluable.  There was so much that she
wanted to learn, and she was so eager to absorb it all.  There was never
enough time, and she gladly went without sleep to spend some extra time for
her own interests.  Her regular medical studies took so much of her time, so
she really appreciated these few precious moments that allowed her to go
beyond the mundane medical classes.  Ellen saw that she was not being very
convincing at getting Natalie away from her studies or even getting her
attention.

"Nat, you never do anything fun!  Is this the only thing that you want to do
for the rest of your life?  Sorry, what am I saying?  You don't have a life.
You know, there's a world out there, and it's not all science.  Don't you
care?"

Natalie looked up from her book, and shyly smiled.

"Don't I care about what?"

Ellen stared and shook her head.

Well, I'm going with or without you.  So what's your decision, Nat?  Guys
and some fun or another romantic night with...... whatever it is you're
reading."

Ellen pulled the book out of Natalie's hands, and silently tried to
pronounce the words on the front cover.  She gave up, and placed the now
closed book back on the table.  Ellen looked defeated as Natalie just
shrugged her shoulders, and reached for the book to re-find her place.

"Okay Nat, I do not even know why I try.  You would think that I would have
learned by now.  Every one knows where your true love lies, and nothing else
can quite compete.  Can it?"

Natalie smiled at Ellen for almost understanding, but Ellen just rolled her
eyes and sighed as she put on her coat to leave.

"You know what they say Nat, all work and no play......."

Natalie was still smiling at Ellen as she rested her head on her hand and
leaned her elbow on the table.  She watched her walk to the elevators, and
then disappear behind it's doors.  Maybe she should go to the party, and try
to meet someone.  She could make an effort, but even if she did find someone
interesting she would never have the time for a relationship.  She felt the
pressure of being expected to try and socialize, but she could not justify
loosing valuable time pretending to enjoy herself at a place she did not
want to be.  She already was right where she wanted to be, and she was doing
what she enjoyed.  This was her life, and she was comfortable with it.
Science was everything.  Nothing else could reach in and touch her heart,
her soul, her very essence.  One day she pictured herself doing research
with all the latest equipment, and there was so much to be discovered.
Science was like a buried treasure.  She only needed the maps to guide her,
and all the directions for the maps were hidden inside these books.  The key
to opening the treasure chest, and unlocking all that lie within it was
waiting for her in the next book or the one after that.  She could not leave
the library, for here lied all the secrets of the universe.  All the pieces
of the puzzle were here just waiting for her to put them together in the
correct order.  The next piece could be right around the corner in the
latest journal.  No, she could not leave, her desire for insight was driving
her to continue her studies. Here she felt truly alive.  Here is where her
passions burned.  There was nothing else, she hungered to consume the next
book.  One day her research would benefit all of mankind.  She could ask no
more of life.

The slamming of the refrigerator door jolted Natalie back to reality.
Nicholas had stopped pacing, and was now leaning against the refrigerator
rapidly finishing off one of his dark green bottles.  Natalie tightly closed
her eyes while remembering her college days.  Her dreams of changing the
world and making it a better place now seemed overly idealistic.  How could
someone who was supposed to be so smart be so stupid.  She had been so
naive.  Her hopes for a Nobel prize, had long since died along with her
beliefs that she would one day have a life outside of the world of medicine.

Knowing now that there was more to life than books, she desperately wanted
to have a part of that life.  Before she met Nick, science was her only
life, but now it barely sustained her.  The only thing of value in her life
now was trying to find a way to be with him.

She studied him as he finished the contents of the first bottle, and went
back to retrieve another.  Tempted to say something about drinking too much
blood, she quickly rejected that idea.  If there was ever a time when he
needed help, this was it.

So, here she was.  This is what her hopes and dreams had come down to.  She
was sitting in the home of a vampire in which she had fallen deeply in love
with, trying to convince him that her latest cure for his mortality was
within reach.  Shaking her head, she watched him drink blood as he tried to
assimilate her suggestions.  'If her friends could see her now,' she almost
laughed out loud.

So there would be no notoriety in science, no Nobel prize, but hey maybe she
could still be recognized by Rippley's Believe It Or Not - if she survived.
Nick had paced for over an hour, and now he just silently leaned against the
refrigerator and stared out into space.  Not that it was unusual to see him
stare off, but this time he really looked drained.  She hadn't meant to
shatter his hopes, if only he would talk to her.  Her anxiety begin to rise
as she sensed that his silence was coming to an end.

Nicholas turned his attention towards Natalie who had been sitting
motionlessly on the dark leather sofa.  As soon as she realized that he had
broken his trance, she abruptly stood up.  Standing frozen in place, she did
not approach him.  Barely breathing now, she scrutinized every feature on
him grasping at anything that might indicate his thoughts.  Her exploration
brought her to his eyes.  He closed them, and when he reopened them they had
the saddest look she had ever seen.  She thought she would collapse from the
pain that his eyes generated.  He looked broken, destroyed, so lost.  She
could not tolerate another moment.  Relenting, she began to speak.

"Nick, I......."

He cut off her words immediately, his voice was controlled and emotionless
as he slowly spoke.

"Nat, I think you should leave now.  If you wish, we can talk later."

Nicholas turned away from Natalie's shocked gaze, and began to walk toward
the stairs that led to his bedroom.  He was half way up when Natalie's anger
kicked in.  She was not sure what was going on inside of him, but there was
no way in hell that she was leaving until she understood what was happening.
   Of all the emotions she now was experiencing, her anger was the first to
reveal itself.  She reacted to his words as if he had struck her.  She was
infuriated, but when she opened her mouth to speak all that rushed out was a
very firm, "NO!"

It was not a lot, but it stopped Nicholas in his tracks, and he turned and
looked down the stairs at her in disbelief.

"No?......I do not remember asking you if you wanted to leave Nat. I said
you *should* leave."

Natalie swallowed hard out of fear and anger.

"I heard what you said, and I said no."

The control that Nicholas was struggling to hold on to was beginning to
slip. His eyes started to change to a golden blue.

What do you want, Nat?  Do you want me to destroy you?  Are you uncertain
that there may be something left to my soul that LaCroix has missed, and
that your plan will now crush?"

Nicholas flew down the steps in a flash, and landed uncomfortably close to
Natalie, causing her to startle and reflexively jump back.  She immediately
regained her composure.

"I know what you are doing, and it won't work.  You are not going to
intimidate me with your show of power."

Nicholas's eyes glowed, and he snarled.

"Okay, ...you want to stay and talk....then talk!  Talk about the total
destruction of everything in my life with any meaning.  Tell me why I should
allow this.  And while you're at it, tell me how I survive if this does not
work and I am left alone."

Natalie watched the vampire daring her to take one wrong step.  She was
disappointed in Nicholas for responding to her help in this manner.  She had
no guarantees, and he knew that.  She decided that she wanted this
confrontation with the vampire to end.  Yes, they needed to talk, but not
like this.  Natalie gathered all that was left of her strength, and blinked
back her tears.

"What we must discuss now is important.  I am not forcing you to do
anything. I am not even sure that I want to pursue this.  But this will be
discussed in an intelligent manner, not while under duress, not while the
vampire threatens or intimidates."

Natalie sat back down on the sofa, and waited for Nicholas to regain
control. He stared at her with defiance.  If this was the vampire's game to
see who chickened out first, then she was determined to win.  She would not
be bullied by his reign of terror.  This issue was going to be discussed.
One way or another, this was going to be resolved.  There was no turning
back now. Natalie remained seated and stared defiantly back, and bided the
time until Nicholas would confront this affair.

The vampire's anger began to weaken, and was becoming replaced with
Nicholas's interest.  He quietly walked towards her, and sat next to her.
With great restraint asked her,

"Is this a real possibility for all of us?"

Natalie looked back at him, and with great caution answered.

"I can not think of one reason why it wouldn't work."

Nicholas tenderly touched her cheek.

You would make yourself a human guinea pig for me?"

Natalie reached over, and took his hand in hers.

"This is not just for you.  This is for me too."

Nicholas knew that she spoke from her heart.

"Natalie, there is so much about my past that would make you turn away from
me in disgust."

Natalie was prepared for this.  She knew that his guilt would be his first
line of defense, but she had already accepted his dark past.  She also knew
that he had not yet come to terms with it.  Now was the time to stop this
incessant remorse.

"You know Nick, I have given a lot of thought to your past.  You have done a
lot of harm, and neither of us can deny or erase that.  When I think about
your evil acts, I put them into two parts.  The first part is the intent to
do harm, and the second is the actual harm itself.  Since you have long
since lost the desire to harm others, and you have truly regretted what you
have done for hundreds of years, you have only good intent and thoughts.  So
your only reason to feel guilty is for the harm that has been done."

Nicholas was outwardly pained by Natalie's bluntness, but was clinging to
every word for her justification of his past.

Natalie looked intently at him.

"You always think that you have destroyed only the innocent.  Did you ever
think that you killed those who were already destined to die?  Maybe they
would have done evil, and you stopped them.  In a way, you have fulfilled
G-d's destiny."

Nicholas stood up, and walked away.  Again he began to pace.  Trying to make
sense of Natalie's words, but she was not finished and she also got up and
confronted him.

I know this is no excuse, and that you had free will.  But since it did
happen, then maybe it was meant to happen.  We all make mistakes Nick,
everyone.  The fault may be yours, but the result was meant to be."

Natalie stopped briefly to see if Nicholas was following her line of logic.

"Okay Nick, here goes.  You have felt regret.  You have been trying to make
amends, and you do everyday.  You plan on continuing this in the future. YOU
HAVE DONE ALL THAT YOU CAN!  You must now accept and realize that your
becoming a vampire was all part of G-d's plan.

Tears began to roll down Natalie's face as her voice began to plead to him.

"Stop believing Nick that you are responsible for all the evil in the world!
You are not!  It is G-d who runs the world, and it is G-d who decides who
shall live and who shall die.  No matter what you have done Nicholas, G-d
will forgive you, and make a place for you........for us."

For a moment it felt like the weight of the centuries had been lifted from
him by her words.  Although it was difficult for him to accept, he knew that
she had exonerated all that he had done.  If only he could pardon himself.
Natalie's words seemed to make sense.  Had he been too close to correctly
evaluate himself?  How long had he mourned for all those who died to feed
his bloodlust even though he was powerless to bring them back.  As much as
he wanted to change things, he could not.  He could not change the past, but
he could control what he did now.  Natalie's faith in him was extraordinary.
   How could he look at her and not believe that she was the result of G-d's
plan. To be with her was to believe and to have faith.  He understood what
she was saying.  It was now necessary to let go of his guilt for there was
nothing he could do to erase what was done.  He wanted to live now, and be
with Natalie. Walking towards her, he dried the tears from her face, and
pulled her towards him as she gently wept against him.  Natalie pulled
slightly away so that she could look into Nicholas's eyes.

"Nick you *can* conquer the vampire.  You must never accept the bad.  Never
allow the bad to obscure the good in you that remains."

Nicholas tenderly smiled as he wrapped his arms around her, and drew her
towards him.  The CD player had long since stopped, and they remained
together in the quiet of the loft.  They closed their eyes, and held each
other securely.  They flowed together as though they were the only two left
in the world.  They were a part of each other.  They were like one spirit.
He could feel her warmth like a fire against him.  He listened to the rhythm
of each of her soft breaths, and let it wash over him like gentle rain.  Her
breathing soothed him.  Time stood still as they clung to each other.  Then
it was like there was no time.  There was only them, and what they had was
eternal.
 

End Part Five
 

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