For a moment here, I am going to pretend that "Last Knight" really did
happen.  So that means I’m going to drag back up all those terrible feelings
we felt after seeing Natalie quite still on the floor with Nicholas kneeling
beside her, as a very frustrated LaCroix is about to stake his "closest
friend."  Okay, we all know that for multiple reasons that LaCroix would
never do this.  I just thought that it would be interesting to explore what
might be going through Nicholas’s mind as he lay dying next to Natalie had
LaCroix actually gone through with the deed.  So, you know the drill, it is
the very end of "Last Knight," and our thoughts turn to a dying Nicholas.

Archive Permission:  Permission to archive to Mel's FKFanfic Archive, and
the FK FTP site IS GRANTED.  All others must ask permission.

Disclaimers:  The Forever Knight characters belong to Columbia Tri/Star.  No
copyright infringement is intended.  This story and all other characters are
copyrighted by me.

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As close as our bond is LaCroix, you could never understand why once I took
too much from Natalie that there was no turning back.  You said that time
heals all, and that I should have moved on.  But there was no more life to
move on to, how could I make you accept that this was my time?  In some ways
you knew that if I remained, that I would never be the same, and perhaps
that is why you did as I requested.  Something permanent changed as I took
this mortal’s blood, something that neither of us would ever have expected.
And with this act done, we both realized a greater power.  A force greater
than all reason and rationalization.  What I had asked you to do was most
likely the most torturing decision that you have thought fathomable, but
with the strength of your love for me you accomplished the impossible.
After the sun goes down tonight, I know you will be back to hide all that
went on here in our final moments.  My words to you, of, "if one truly loves
then they must let go", were meant for you and Fleur.  How ironic that they
also applied to the two of us as well.  There could be no greater showing of
your feelings for me, and I hope that you will one day realize how grateful
I am for your act of love.

This is not the first time that I die, but this will be the last.  The pain
of the stake that I suffer now is but a necessary means to my conclusion.
There has been so much physical pain in all the centuries that I have walked
this Earth, and I was given more health and years then was my fair share.
All of which was acquired by the sacrifices of a long forgotten number of
innocent lives.  Of course this pain of death is great, but did I deserve
anything easier?  On several occasions I have endured the pain of mortal
death, and although unpleasant, I always healed and my vigor and longevity
were always restored.  Now, as I lie by my mortal love, I experience the
pain of death for the final time.  My last gasps are of no consequence to
me, and I only wish for my demise to be as quick as possible.  I have heard
it said then when a person dies that their life flashes before them.  What
of someone who has experienced centuries of lifetimes?  As my long-lived
heart puts forth its final beat, I can still feel the vampire struggling to
survive.  The beast even reaches to you now Natalie through the blood
connection, that even as we die we share.  A bond exists between us that
only recently took place as your precious blood filled me.  As I exert all
my efforts to try and reach over to touch the face of my final blood lover,
unrestrained images of past lives consume me.  Your heart calls out to me,
it still beckons my desires.  You are so weak as your will to live strives
against all odds.  This is a fight you will not win, I know.  I am no
stranger to the ways of death.  So easily I can recall each of the victims
that my hunger destroyed.  Each of their hammering last heart beats I have
stored in my brain.  No matter how many or how long ago, I can recall each
of my prey’s dying sounds.  Their last shudders fill me, they haunt me.  As
I now listen to the lessening rhythm of my love’s heart, I know that her
death will mark the end of my reign.

It was LaCroix’s blood that started me on this Godless path, and it will now
be the blood of my love that will assuredly cease the vampire’s existence.
It took the taste of your blood to make me finally understand my faith.  I
am ready to accept whatever lies ahead for me in the next world, for I know
that I can no longer continue to be what I am in this one.  If I were to
remain alive for a thousand more years, there would be nothing further life
could offer me.  Through your blood Natalie, I realized that life is so much
more than merely surviving.  You searched for my cure, a cure for this curse
that I have carried throughout the centuries.  Your efforts were successful,
although I doubt you’d agree.  Death is the only cure for the vampire, it is
the only way to stop the killing and to end my suffering.  Your blood has
sealed my vow to never take another’s life.  Through your sacrifice you have
guaranteed that not another will die in this vampire’s arms.  My eyes yearn
to see your beauty as I lie so closely to you now, but I only see a time
that existed centuries before you were born.  I can see myself as a boy with
the brightness of the sun on my back as I run through the fields that
surround my home.  My house is in the distance, and I have to get there
quickly, but I can not remember why.  My twelve year old heart beats fast as
I run towards the large graying wooden door.  But I am blocked from entering
my own home by my Father and the men who work for us.  They stand in my way
shielding me from what is happening inside.  Something is wrong, I hear my
Mother’s screams and I have never been so frightened.  Desperately, I try to
push past my Father, but he is far stronger than I.  "Please!" I beg as he
pulls me towards the side of our of our stone dwelling.  Never before has he
spoken to me with so many words, but I can not hear him.  It is my Mother’s
screams that are making his words impossible to understand.  I have to see
her, and I need to know why no one goes to her aid.  As my Father speaks, I
feel his grasp on me lessen, and I break free of his hold.  Although he is
stronger than I, he is no match for my speed.  I run as if being chased by
death itself, I run back to the front door.  The others are caught off guard
by my actions, and I manage to push through the entrance.  My prayers for
strength and speed are dashed as I run directly into a large woman who I
have never seen before.  In her strong grasp, I am again a captive in my own
home.  In but a second, I feel my Father’s hand angrily clutching the
garment on my back.  But I have no fear of his punishment, I only struggle
to be free so that I can assist my Mother.  Through my uncontrollable rage,
I hear the strange woman’s words to my Father.  She comments about his young
son’s strength and perseverance, and she says that my Mother is well and
that there is a new de Brabant daughter to find her place in the family.  "A
baby girl!"  My Father shouts for joy as he picks me up to hug me.  His
words are filled with joy as the other men surround  and congratulate us.
The unfamiliar woman adds that this one is a healthy one, and I am reminded
of the two male and one female infants that never made it through their
first week of life.  Gently, my Father returns me to the ground, and quietly
whispers in my ear.  He asks me if I can be brave so that the two of us can
go and welcome what he called G-d’s precious gift.  Although I do not
remember moving, I must have nodded.  Still feeling frightened and confused,
I concentrated on being calm as we stepped into the bed chamber.  My
Mother’s tired eyes met my Father’s, and she smiled.  For me time seemed to
stand still until she reached out to me.  Feeling suddenly very uncertain, I
held back, then backed away.  Then a small cry from the blanket she held in
her arms stopped me.  There was no way I would leave now.  My curiosity
demanded that I investigate the source of all the commotion.  After a long
breath, I approached the head of the bed and looked down into my Mother’s
arms.  It was the first time I saw my sister’s face, and she was as petite
and as pink as the roses that grew near the bedroom’s window.  As I looked
back into my Mother’s eyes I said how she looked liked the flowers by the
window.  My Father’s voice  then bellowed from behind me.  "Then, we shall
call her Fleur!"  My Mother smiled at the new life, " What a beautiful name
Nichola!"  I move closer to the bed , and I feel the warmth of my Mother,
and I hear her heart faltering.  "No!’  I am not in my mortal home, I am on
the floor in an apartment in Canada.  It is Natalie’s heart that I hear.  I
am dying, we are dying.  If I strain, I can hear her heart still, and it
comforts me.  What strange tricks the dying body plays on the mind.  My past
felt so real, and I believed that I was home again.  How much time has gone
by?  Has it been seconds or hours?  Someone calls my name, yet no one is
near.  Who calls my name, now at this moment?  The voice is young and
gentle, it is familiar.  The voice is that of Gisela.  Gisela, how did you
get here?  As I try to clear my head, I remember where I am.  I am home
again, and I am with my first love.  We tease each other, then run to hide
behind the stables.  Again I assure Gisela that we will not be discovered,
but I do not know that.  I can not guarantee such a promise.  Don’t you know
that I would say anything to feel your body next to mine?  You know that I
never meant to deceive you, but my desire for you was too strong to resist.
What we shared as two sixteen year olds was most likely not true love, but
it was our first attempt at love.  We were too young to know how much more
love is then only the physical sensation that we shared.  You had me under
your spell.  Each night I would dream of your soft caresses and the scent of
your hair.  I was bewitched by the way in which your eyes sparkled when you
laughed, and how the sun reflected the gold in your hair.  Your kisses were
so sweet and our love making even sweeter.  How is it that you married
another?  At your wedding I saw your eyes sparkling with love, but you were
not looking at me, and I knew I had lost you forever.  On that day I vowed
that I would never give my heart to another again, that oath lasted but a
week.  Although I am embarrassed to admit it, I never had problems
attracting the ladies.  They always showed interest in me, and I found their
praises very gratifying to my vanity.  So many women followed that I can not
bring to mind their names, but of all my loves, none ever stayed  Each left
for another, and I was left alone.  Of course I did not sit still during my
lonely hours.  I became a fine horseman, and an expert at wielding a sword.
It was not long before my lord recognized my talents and retained me for his
services.  I thought there would never be a true love in my life until the
day that I met Gwyneth.  Her enchanting music from the harp, lured me to
her.  Once we met, there was no turning back.  My lord forbade our love, but
such issues can not be dismissed by insignificant words.  Our love rapidly
grew, yet sadly she was to be just another unfulfilled dream.  After being
falsely accused of her murder, I was sent to a far away land to fight and
die in a bloody immoral war on innocent people.  I did what I was condemned
to do, and in the process I lost my self respect, my honor, and my faith.
My faith!  Again it seems that my mind has wandered.  Natalie had told me
that she had faith in me, and now she grows cold next to me.  When LaCroix
had asked how dark is my existence compared to an eternal void, his words
were sincere and valid.  But it is not the emptiness or an unending
nothingness that frightens me.  What scares me is the thought of feeling the
unending pain and weight of my mistakes.  This is what compels my desire for
an ending, for my death.  It is the agony of this unnatural life that I need
to conclude.  It is impossible to explain this need of mine to cease what is
my private hell.  Your words LaCroix were eloquent as always.  Your
descriptive expression on the virtues of living was beyond compare.  No one
could have made a more honest or valiant attempt, and you will never know
how much of an impact you really had.  However, this was not a decision that
was made lightly.  It was only with this angel’s blood, that lies near me,
that my destiny revealed itself.  Your words were inspiring.  Yes, life is a
treasure that should not be surrendered.  No one would agree more than
myself, but at what point do we discover that the soulless life we have is
not treasure but only fool’s gold?  We are but empty shells trying to fill
ourselves with the life blood of others.  We cling to our physical lives,
but in reality we do not have riches or wealth. Our treasure which we call
life is counterfeit.  There is nothing of value lost when we lose our lives.
  I have no fear of what is beyond, LaCroix, I only hope for these remaining
seconds to end quickly.  When we first met, I questioned your presence in my
bed chamber.  My lust for the dark beauty that you sent to ensnare me, was
transformed into confusion and anger.  Then I fell easily into your trap.
My only thoughts were that I had fallen so low already that I could not go
any further.  Curiosity and excitement of a life beyond my imagination drove
me, and I naively consented to trade away my soul.  Your incentives were too
good to pass up, but if truth be told, I believe that Janette alone would
have turned me away from the light.  Janette!  Now, you may be my sole
regret in losing my eternity.  The first few months following my conversion
were the most intense and passionate times that I have ever experienced both
as a mortal and as a vampire.  Your charm and beauty are truly eternal.
"Don’t leave me now my love."  I do not understand why you feel you must
move on.  I am so in love with you that the 97 years that we have been like
man and wife seem more like 97 weeks.  I could love you forever if only you
would stay with me.  Please Janette, you have no idea of how much you are
hurting me.  You still love me as much as I do you.  It is not hard for me
to see that love, yet you continue to pack and leave.  How can you discard
our special relationship?  How can you turn away from me?  I never thought I
would recover and I never did understand, but time moved on and so did we.
It is so hard to see you now Janette, but I want to thank you.  Thank you
for coming now and being with me during my last moments.  Thank you for not
interceding and letting me die.  I know it is not easy, for I was unable to
watch you slip away.  You have always been my soul mate, even helping me
when you found it difficult.  Do you remember the time that you watched
Schanke for me?  No, Schanke it was not you who was supposed to be watching
her.  Schanke, I’m so glad to see you again, I thought you were killed when
the plane exploded.  You know Schank, I missed you more than I thought
possible.  Nothing was the same after you left.  You know I think that if I
could have been able to swallow a few Souvlakis and donuts and would have
joined the bowling league, we would have been the closest of friends.  No
matter how bad things got, you could always make me laugh.  You never
understood me, but you accepted that, and you accepted me.  Your heart was
too big to deny our friendship even though it wasn’t all that you wanted it
to be.  What Schanke?  No, still nothing but those green bottles in the
refrigerator.  I promise to order a pizza with lots of garlic for you the
next time partner.  Hey Schanke, I really did not mind that you wrecked the
Caddy.  Sorry I scared you, I know it wasn’t your fault.  Wait right there
Schanke, I want to tell Nat that you’re here.  Nat?  Nat!  Your heart beat
has almost stopped, and I do not even know if the words I am saying are
being spoken or if I am only thinking them.  Natalie, you’re slipping away
now, and I will join you soon.  There is no time for sadness, there is no
time for regrets.  This is an ending.  It might be a beginning too, I do not
have that answer.  Although I dare not soil the heavens with prayers for my
own afterlife, I do wish to utter a prayer for you, my love.  Even though I
do not deserve to be listened to.  I hope that you, Natalie, will be granted
my request.  I pray that the impurities that I defiled you with when our
blood mingled, have not damaged your pure soul, and that you are not
suffering now as you are about to depart.  May you finally have the
happiness and peace that you deserve.  Natalie, I can no longer hear your
heart, and there is no longer any reason for me to hang on.  I have not
heard my heart beat since LaCroix has left, and now I know that there will
not come another one.  Not in ten minutes, not ever.  There is only quiet
now, and I do not know how much time has passed.  The room is empty, not one
heart beats neither mortal or immortal.  I am finally able to hold your
hand, and see the sun rising.  Look Natalie, look at the sun!  It is
everything that I remembered.  It is warm and bright and Natalie, I can feel
your hand in mine.  How is that you can help me get up?  Finally we are
together, you are everything that love should be.  There is so much I need
to tell you.  There is so much you need to know.  I will not let go of your
hand, I will not leave you, but I already told you this before I bit you.
Look Natalie the light is not burning me.  This time I will walk into the
light.  This time we will walk in the light together.

The End