This Nick and Nat story takes place around the beginning of the second
season, although it really could have taken place during any season.  It was
written to explain how neither Nicholas nor Natalie really got around to
expressing their love for one another until it was too late in "Last
Knight."  Nick and Nat are about to discover how important timing can be.

Archive Permission:  Permission to archive to Mel's FKFanfic Archive, and to
the FK FTP site IS GRANTED.  All others must ask permission.

Disclaimers:  The Forever Knight characters belong to Columbia Tri/Star.  No
copyright infringement is intended.  This story is copyrighted by me.

Please send all comments to [email protected]
 
 

Another night off from protecting and serving.  Another lonely night away
from the mortal community he so wished to be a part of.  Another night
without the possibility of seeing Natalie.  No, that really was not true.
The reason he would not see her tonight was his choice.  Both of them had
the night off tonight, but he hesitated calling her after what had almost
happened a few evenings ago.  Actually, nothing had happened, and that was
what the problem was.  Nothing could ever happen as long as this insatiable
bloodlust consumed him.  The vampire had come close to taking control when
he was last with her, and had nearly won.  Of course, she never knew how
near to death she had been as he had struggled to pull away from her and
push down any feelings of love for her.  What she had probably thought she
had witnessed was his total lack of interest in her.  Hopefully, she only
believed that he was trying to keep their relationship at a professional
level, and not that he did not feel anything towards her.  If she only knew
how much she meant to him.  He had existed for nearly eight centuries, and
not until he had met her had life seemed so precious.  Although he
continually told himself that it was better that she never become involved
with him, he could not let her go.  It was a dangerous game, he played, of
balancing his lingering mortal feelings with the vampire's desires.  Each
time that he would allow himself to get closer to her, the vampire would try
to emerge to claim his prize.  During all the times when he would pull her
close then push her away, she never once complained. She had accepted him
unconditionally, even trusting him with her life.  If he told her how much
he cared, at least she would be able to understand how he really felt, and
how he did not wish to hurt the most valuable thing to come along in all his
lifetimes.  Putting his feelings into words, would not be easy for him, but
he had to try.  He had to give her some sense of where she stood with him.
He owed her that much.  Moving towards where he kept his books, he located a
narrow box that was wedged between two very large volumes on Archaeology.
After tracking down a pen, he moved back towards the kitchen table and sat
down before opening the box.  The empty sheets of stationary had been a gift
from Janette several decades ago, but the paper was still in excellent
condition.  He smiled when he looked at the monogram that formed a diamond
shape at the top of the page.  She had used the initials of his real name,
NdB, on the custom paper.  Now his thoughts drifted back to what he knew he
must do, and his nervousness made the paper in his hand begin to shake.
Laying the expensive paper flat before him on the table, he picked up the
pen and skillfully, almost artistically, began to write.

Dear Natalie,

Did you think that I could not tell what has been on your mind?  Since the
night we met, we both knew that we would never be the same again.  You
should have been afraid of me, for loving me is too dangerous a thing to do.
  You have done so much for me, but still you are just a child compared to
me.  I long to hold you endlessly.  Each day I lose sleep while I relive
each cherished memory of our time together.  But now I am afraid to let my
eyes meet yours.  Afraid of what my need for you might do.  The only way I
know to protect your love is to not give you mine.  Neither of us can ever
be the same.  This never ending pain inside of me is always there, reminding
me how hard it is to live without you.  Having love the way we have it hurts
so bad. But if the only way to lose this distress of loving you means to not
be a part of your life, then I wish for this anguish to never stop.
Eternity now moves so much slower as each night turns into another lonely
morning without you. If only I could reach you, if only you knew how often I
think about you.  How often have I sent you away because I knew too well how
wrong it is to be in love with me?  I must deny what is in my heart for you
to be safe, and so must you.  When I close my eyes each day to sleep, I can
recall the simple touch of your hand on mine or the soft feel of your face
as my hand has caressed your skin.  I cherish the moments that I have been
able to embrace you, to comfort you.  And with tremendous pleasure I can
always remember your understanding kisses and smiles and the times we shared
only a glance or our unspoken words. As much as I wish I could reach out to
you, we both know that I cannot.  A physical expression of our love is not
within our grasp.  At least not one where you could survive the love I have
to offer.  Because of this limitation, our love must exist on a different
plane.  I cannot let you die because of what I am, but I can tell you how I
feel.  I now believe that I understand the reason I have lived all of my
lifetimes.  It was the only way for us to be together, and even with
everything that I have endured, I would not hesitate to do it again.  If
nothing else comes from this letter, please know forever how I feel about
you now, and will always feel about you.  You are everything to me.  You are
the only one for me.

                             All my love forever,
                                Nicholas

Although he had feared that he would not be able to explain his feelings for
her, he was surprised at how easily his words had flowed.  Feeling satisfied
by the letter, he folded it in half and sealed it in the matching envelope
from the box.  With one quick stop at the florists, he would soon have the
woman he loved know how deeply he cared for her.  The night revealed little
of a moon, but the skies sparkled with stars as he tucked the letter in his
jacket pocket and opened the window to leave.

                                 *****

It's complicated.  Nat paced her empty apartment as that simple sentence
resounded over and over again in her head.  How many times had she said that
about their relationship to others...... to herself?  Plopping down on the
sofa, she rolled her eyes.  "I'm either the worst liar or the best at
underestimating our situation, Nick."  Shaking her head at her own inability
to tell Nick what she thought, and what she wanted, she suddenly reached for
the phone.  This was too important to put off any longer, it was time to
tell Nick exactly what was on her mind.  After only one ring, his answering
machine picked up and she almost hung up.  Instead she fortified herself
with a long deep breath, and poured her heart out into the telephone.

"Hi Nick, it's Natalie.  I hope that you are there because what I have to
say cannot wait.  I need to know about us, and I want you to know how I
feel. Somehow when I was not paying attention, I willingly surrendered my
heart and my soul to you.  Your desire to be mortal overshadowed my common
sense, my every desire.  If I had any goals, I cannot remember them now.
And if I could remember it would not matter, for my entire reason to exist
revolves around you.  Each day I search for your cure with the same tenacity
that I would hunt for my own solution for a terminal disease.  Your
struggles are mine.  Your battles are mine.  I know that you have
unsuccessfully fought this demon before, and that our chances for a cure are
slim if they even exist at all.  I will not give up, as I have always told
myself, this cure is as necessary for my survival as it is yours.  And if I
do nothing else with my life, I will not die with any regrets, even if no
solution is ever found.  You are the reason for every breath that I take,
and every beat of my heart.  I know that we share a special relationship,
but is there more to it than that for you?  I would gladly give to you my
life, yet I do not know if we are more than mere friends in your eyes.  Am I
alone in what I feel?  Am I locked into a forbidden love?  We seem to be
perfect for each other in every way, but we are also so far apart.  We exist
in different worlds, and I know so little about your world.  It never
mattered to me what you are, or what you have done, but it means everything
to you.  I think that I would be able to accept any type of relationship
with you, if only you would tell me how you feel.  Maybe it is impossible
for you to feel anything for me, maybe it is not within the nature of the
vampire.  Or I may not be as attractive or as interesting after all the
exciting others you have been lucky enough to meet throughout the centuries.
Why should you love me?  Just because I feel that way, does not mean that
you must too.  After all, there must have been thousands of the most
beautiful woman in each generation who have begged to be in your presence.
Do I only fool myself to think that each of your tender kisses or embraces
is anything more than mere friendship?  But no matter what you feel, I will
always love you Nicholas.  If only you could love me too."

Suddenly, she turned towards the door, thinking that she heard it move, but
no one was there so she turned back towards the phone to continue.  Nick
reached to knock on the door, but stopped as he heard her words filter
through with his sensitive hearing.  He had rushed to her apartment with
immortal speed, but now he felt his presence to be an intrusion, and he
waited for her to finish with whoever she spoke with on the telephone before
knocking.  Each of her sweet words was clear as he anxiously anticipated
giving her his note. Silently and patiently he waited as she spoke.

"Sorry, I did not mean to stop, please let me finish all that I must say.
No one knows of my love for you, and I promise to always be as discrete as
you would wish.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  How I
wish I could tell the world, but I understand your need to be private.  If
you love me as I do you, please call me back.  If not, then forget that you
have ever heard this message and nothing will change.  Whatever you decide,
I will always love you."

All his excitement instantly drained from him as he heard her last few
statements and the sound of the receiver being placed back into the phone's
cradle.  Biting hard at his lip, he tightly closed his eyes as he tried to
recover from the feeling of being crushed.  She was in love with another,
and he never knew.  Through his pain, he realized that this was the best
way.  His love would only hurt her.  It was more important for her to be
with her own kind, not a creature that only lurked in darkness.  There was
nothing he could offer her but heartache, and she deserved so much more.
Whomever this man was, who was lucky enough to be receiving her warm voice
message of love, he would certainly be calling back soon.  Laying the
colorful flowers down on the floor outside her front door, a sad smile
formed across his lips as he turned to walk down the stairs.  How he wished
for her all the best that life could bring.  How he wished for her never
ending happiness and love.  As he reached for the glass door to leave the
building, he remembered the letter and pulled it from his pocket.  A few
feet away from him he watched as the night janitor emptied the trash can
into a large black plastic bag.  After one last short look at the note, he
moved towards the man and placed the letter in his collection bag.  With a
forced smile, he wished the maintenance man a good evening, and walked out
into the night.

Natalie stared at the telephone for a few moments before sliding herself
back on the sofa.  Finally Nick will know how she feels, and she will have
his answer soon.  Sitting quietly she tried willing the telephone to ring,
and really hoped that it would not be too long before she would know just
how Nick felt.  Settling back comfortably, she closed her eyes and sighed.
Tonight would change everything.

Nick's answering machine had stored Natalie's entire message, and then lit
up the message light and readied itself for the next call.  With the sounds
of Natalie's last recorded words fading into the darkness of the loft, he
slowly stood up and walked over to the now flashing message light on the
machine. Methodically he slid his cold white finger across one of the
buttons, and caused the tape to rewind and the notice light to be
extinguished.  An amused smile twisted across his face, and with that the
satisfaction of knowing that he had been interpreting his protégé’s emotions
accurately.  It looked as if the timing of this unexpected visit to the loft
was perfect. Why how often does one get to hear such a touching display of
mortal emotions? Too bad his son was not at home to have collected it.

                                 The End