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Kyer in no way owns any of these characters in any ~~ A Word To Those Who Have Followed This Series~~
It's funny the way you start out thinking *you* are the writer, only to have
characters wrest the 'plot' away from your hands and then run cackling every
which way *they* please. ~~~[ Scene: Enforcer H.Q. -- Dungeon section]~~~
"Well... here's another fine mess you've gotten us into, Doctor."
"Oh, stuff it in your bra, LaCroix. How was I to know you and Janette..er,
Janus were there? Or that half the dignitaries at the party were also
Enforcers? And everything would have ended just *fine* if *all* of you had
just let me handle Vetter instead of trying to gain possession of the
potion. By the way, did anyone ever find out what happened to Screed and
Vachon before we were all arrested? Did they get away?"
"You mean Screedette and Javene: The Phyllis Diller and Sophia Loren Duo?
I believe I heard they got a gig performing at one of those tawdry Las Vegas
venues--- thanks to your clumsiness."
"Oooo... sarcasm. May I remind you, 'Lucy', it's your fault the stuff
landed in the punch bowl! Right, Nick?"
"Can't talk right now, Nat. I'm in the middle of a flashback."
"Another one? How come you're always in flashback mode when I ask you a
personal question?"
"Yes, Nicholas, *do* join in our little discussion. If nothing else you
will need assistance in formulating an excuse as to why *you* were the only
one who did not partake of their bloodpunch. Somehow, I don't believe the
Enforcers will look kindly on "but it wasn't *cow*."
"Can't talk right now, Nat. I'm in the middle of a flashback. <sound of
braincells whirring> Can't talk right now, LaCroix. I'm in the middle of a
flashback... Can't ta-- <whrr..> The party you are trying to reach is
unavailable for chastizement. Please leave a message and he will get back
to you in his own good time."
<Janette, now 'Janus' rolled his eyes>
"After all these centuries, Nichola, and you *still* haven't changed that
form of evasion."
"Can't talk right now, Jane-er-um, uh... I'm in th--"
<stomp!>
"YOW! Hey-- that hurt!"
"Fortunately, Natalie, by the 68th Anniversary of our wedding, I had devised
my own means of gaining dear Nicola's attention no matter what century he'd
run off to."
"Thanks for the tip."
"Your welcome, cherie."
"While your dispensing out pearls of wisdom, my deaa-- my childe, would you
mind telling me how in the world you cope with high heels? These things are
killing my bunions!"
"*You* The All -Powerful-Ancient-Vampire have bunions? <snicker>"
"<l;growl>From *before* I was brought across, Doctor. Even a General had to
start off as a foot soldier.
Now, Janus, about these torture devices?"
"*I* was just wondering how you could properly move about in this
overly-starched outfit! And why can't I keep the sword pin as well?."
"Because, my dear, I need it to service this set of napkins you laughingly
call a dress. In my day, we had adequate amounts of fabric to wrap around
oneself! And... hmm...
Naa-talie, my dear, lovely, woman.... are those walking shoes your
wearing?
"Don't you dare take a step closer, you demented Roman excercise fiend!
"Really, doctor. What happened to the the Hippocrates Oath and all that?"
"Oath, smoath! I'll defend my Hush Puppies to the death!"
"*That* can be arranged."
"Leave Nat alone, LaCroix! Besides... "In case you haven't noticed, mon fils, these aren't exactly the *best* of
times.
"Sacre Bleau! We are all about to go on trial before the Enforcer Tribunal
where we will likely be sentenced to the true death. *Must* you both start
quoting from a novel featuring *guillotines*?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~[ later, in the Enforcer Council Room]~~~
<Bang!> <Bang!>
"This tribunal of the Enforcer Council is now in session.
The defendants: Lucy (formerly Lucien) LaCroix, Nicholas de Brabant, Janus
(formerly Janette) DuCharme, and Natalie Lambert, the meddling mortal."
"Hey!"
"The charges: First, attacking a high-profile human and attempting to sell
hi-- her off to an Arabian shiek. Second--and a far more serious charge:
devastating the emotional childe, (and rampant masculine sexuality), of 15
formally well-balanced Enforcers.
<Fifteen highly digruntled, (yet very in touch with their feminine side),
former Enforcers glared at the group>
Now.... how do you plead? Guilty or Not Guilty?"
"Absolutely, not guilty. And I must say that--"
"Stow the monologue. Next!"
"Moi is innocent. Well... of these charges, anyway."
"Next!"
"Vetter will like Arabia. And I'm innocent on the other charge."
"Next!"
"...."
{{"Psst-- Nick! Your turn."}}
<pained silence>
"Nicola, they asked you a question! Get a klew and answer it!"
"Guilty."
"!!Nick?! Nichola?! Nicholas!!!"
<BANG!!> <BANG!!>
"The rest of the defendants will be silent while Nicholas de Brabant lists
his crimes for the benefit of Dorian the Archivist!"
"<ahem> You may begin, Mr. de Brabant. And I warn you to leave nothing out
of your recitation of your guilt."
"Nothing?"
"*Nothing*!"
<the defendants glance at each other and start settling down into
comfortable positions>
"Well.... lesse. My first act was committed against Mother Church way back
in the spring of the Year of Our Lord, 1195 when I was first conceived by my
mortal mother thru... "ZZZZZZZZ"
"Janus?"
"LE ZZZZ "
"LaCroix?"
"ZZZZthighmastersZZZzzz **snort** Wha? Where?
Oh, Nicholas, my son! That was a brilliant move! A stroke of genius!
<suspicious frown> ... you are Nicholas, aren't you?"
"Very funny. You *know* who...
Uh, what did you mean, 'brilliant'? What happened? Aren't we going to be
staked? Boiled in garlic sauce? Made to watch Plan Nine From Outer Space
on continuous loop?"
<LaCroix looks at atomic watch> "Hehe-- Not *anymore*. You're lengthy
fillibuster went past the Code's statute of limitations. They *can't* hold
us now.
Wake up, Janus. Nicholas came through."
"<ZZzz**snuffle** yawn>l; Merde! Is it over? Thank the moon! Listening to
your litany, Nichola, was almost making me pray for the staking."
"Never mind, that! LaCroix, what did you mean by 'the Code's statute of
limitations'? And where's Nat?"
"It's the year 2252, Nicholas. The Enforcers only had 175 years in which to
carry out your sentence. <snicker> A little unnecessary overkill on your
part going for an additional 77 years, mind! Anyway, when they wrote the
Code they never dreamed that anyone--- *especially* one of our kind--- could
be filled with so much *angst*, so they never changed the books! After
today, however, I'm sure they will update that little loophole to
accommodate your special characteristic."
"But.. Nat!"
"I'm afraid she succumbed, Nicholas."
"Oh, No! <sob!> What was it? The horror of learning of my terrible sins?
Oh, God! Idiot--the time! She's must be a little pile of dusty bones by
now! Oh, my poor NAT!"
"Um... Actually, Nick, the name's Ms. Natalie Lambert Ducharme, now.
"What?!!"
"I got tired of waiting for you, Nick, and I wasn't too keen on becoming---
as you put it--- 'a little pile of dusty bones'. Besides, it wasn't like
you made me any offers before this, you know.
... Sooo... I asked Janus to bring me across. We've been married.. oh...
how long has it been now, my handsome, dark stallion? I remember hearing
Nick rattling on about the Condemned Bimbos right before I said, 'I do'."
"But?!"
"Okaay---! Now that were all off the hook!
Me and Janus are going on an extended honeymoon tour.
See ya, Nick!"
"But?!!"
"They certaintly *do* make a lovely couple-- don't you agree, Nicholas?"
"But?!!"
"Oh, don't look so forsaken, my boy. You will always have *me*.
Nicholas?"
{{Nicholas?}}
{{nicholaass}}
{{{niiiccchhoollaaa-a--a---}}}
~~~~~~~~~ Epilogue ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"--ICK! C'MON NICK, I KNOW YOUR AWAKE BY NOW! IT'S NAT! PICK UP! ... All
right, wise guy--- but you'd better have drunk down that last protein shake
by the time I get to the lo--
[click!]
<groan!> "Oooooooo.... what time is it? What day is it? What *century* is
it?... oooo... my stomach!
Gad--- WHAT A HORRIBLE DREAM!"
<Nick shuddered as he glanced at Nat's tumbler and the half-empty contents
thereof. *Never* again would he experiment with one of Schanke's left over
pizza slices. Especially after consuming part of Nat's experimental shakes
while watching excercise tapes and old horror movie fliks. Such a combo had
proven too much for his vampire constitution, and terrible daymares were the
result. He only hoped that...>
[click!]
["Hello, this is Nick Knight. I'm either asleep or incommunicado. Leave a
message after the beep."]
[beeep!]
[Nicola! A *man* Nicola! And the clothes weren't even tailored to fit!
Don't even *think* of coming into the Raven any time soon!]
[click!]
[beeep!]
[Hey, Nicky boy! Don't eat that pizza slice I left over there. Man o' man
o' man! That sucker must have been spoiled something awful! Hasta la bye,
bye!"
[click!]
[beeep!]
["Nicholas?"]
<Aargh!> Please no!
["Nicholas, I will be dropping by this evening to discuss certain-- how
should we say-- uncomplimentary... images... you have been sending me all
day..."]
[click!]
[beep, bwoop, beep, boop-boop, bweep, boop]
"Hello? Alaska Airlines?
I need to book a flight... immediately."
******* The End! *******
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ["This is your ALPHA 23000 Wake Up Alarm System letting you, *<wrr>-- Mr. de
Brabant--<wrr>*, know that the sun has set. The time is 7:01, the day is
04/28, the Century is 22.83 Have a nice night."]
[clik!]
"Oh, gosh! <Yawn! Smack.> "haarrrrr... "
"Now, don't fall back to sleep, sweetie. Maman is coming to visit sometime
tonight and I want you to greet her properly."
"Grrrrr--"
"Yes, I know you two don't often see eye to eye, but please *try* to be
civil--- for my sake? Besides, she's not that bad of a mother-in-law. Ever
since she married that Dorian guy, she's mellowed considerably. Supplies
her with all sorts of gossip for those monologues, and you know how she
loves to spout advice on her talk show.
"Humph!"
"Alright. She can still be a terror. However, I happen to know that the
stock on her excercise products has risen immensly lately, so she should be
in a better mood. And its not as if she'll be staying for breakfast.
Promise me you'll play nice?"
<Whiny noises>
"That's my girl!
Geez-- look at the time! Captains Robo-Reese and Commissioner Cohenhead
will have my badge if I'm late again. Then Donut Droid will never let me
hear the end of it. Gotta run-- give your wookums a kiss?"
<SLURP!>
Oh, I love you so! It was just pure serendipity when Nat left behind that
concoction by mistake. It's done wonders for your figure. And I don't
regret one whit bringing you across and partaking of my fate! You're my
ever faithful true love; the french fry of my eye. You've saved my wounded
soul! <sniffle!> How I hate to leave you even for an hour!
<KISS!*gt;
Bye, bye, Sydney, my love! Remember--! No biting Maman LaCroix unless she
bites first!
"WOOF!!"
<And Nick the Police Dog went off to work.> Grinneddzzzzzz...
Kyer, Loyal Squire(ette) to the Knight de Brabant; Knight de Soir, Cousin to
the Knight, Schitzoid Knightie with Multi-Personalities whom she's gonna
lock in the trunk while she seeks some decent shut-eye.
With the original, I never dreamed anybody would want a sequal--- the piece
was practically written up online and sent out for the heck of it. After
the third one I figured: *this* is it! No more. So, of course, the little
buggers brought more ideas into my head.
*Now* that I'd resigned mineself to additional chapters, what do they head
for? An ending! An honest to goodness ending of the whole scenario!
(Sheesh!)
And they're *persistant* about this too! I kept thinking: "But
guys! The Listers want more. If I send *this* out there's incredibly
little chance of being able to write another sequal. They're liable to get
peeved! And its *my* name they're gonna curse!"
But do they listen? Noooooo! LaCroix even scowled at me with
those catepillar eyebrows of his. <gulp> *They* want this.
So... I'm very sorry, everyone... but would *you* <ahem>'cross' a determined
LaCroix, Janette, Nicholas and Natalie? Not to mention a room full of
assorted vampires? I thought not. Even the combined forces of Cousins,
DPs, and the GSS would be easier to face.
So, without further rambling:
And special thanks to Susan M. Garrett for permission to abu... *USE*.. her
character: Dorian the Archivist of the Enforcers. ((hehe-- she gave
permish *before* she read my stuff! Too late Now, Susan! Always *read*
before signing! <cackle/snort/wheez/!> ))
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last of the Saga! (is that booing or cheering?)
.... which accumulated greatly during the equinox of...
... and then... Ooh,
... by the Year of His Grace....
... Oh!
........
I MUST come clean!!!...
....And
<sound of carouche crickets in background>
... uh... Dorian? Sirs? Maams?"
**WARNING! IF YOU LIKED THAT ENDING
DO *NOT* READ FURTHER!!
PSCHO ALTERNATIVE ENDING BELOW**
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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{{{{{{BBBBRRRRRiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnggg!!!}}}}}}}}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~[ Well, I did warn you. ]~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This concludes the series, Unforseen Side Affects (which should have been
'E'ffects, but, oh... what da hey.)
So glad you were able to stay with me til the Enforcers in the white suits
arrived to take me to my padded cell.
Bye, bye, now!