If Part One looks familiar, the idea was originally part of a post to the discussion list. The rest, however, is new.
Forever Knight is owned by Sony Tristar; Ape men were cooked up by atheists. Kyer can take responsiblity for neither.
If you feel you must comment send to: [email protected]
If you don't like this, all I can say is: "Ooga to U gah." :)
:)=
As written this night of March 23, 2000
++++++++ Ack! No crosses! No crosses!=======
(sorry.) (sa'right.)
It all started long ago when a rather crotchety Neanderathal got bit by a mosquito and decided to start biting back...
<MAJOR FLASHBACKING! FASTEN YER DELOREAN SEATBELTS!>
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Part One: How Vampires Learned They Could Fly:
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LaUgh, the vampire-Neanderathal, looked out over his territory and spied a blonde Cro-Magnon named Nicooglah sitting on a rock, angstying mightily about having to kill that Sabertooth for his new headgear.
Thinking to himself that this handsome fellow seemed to be promising fledgling/convert material just made for the nightlife---(poor LaUgh being a tad nearsighted yet from before realizing that vampires *really* shouldn't stare at the sun)---, didn't fathom that the prominent 'fangs' his victim was sporting were not actually Nicooglah's own.
So, eagerly stepped forward to claim his new son, LaUgh, completely forgetting he was on a cliff at the time.....
" Oops...YAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa----oooh. Neato."
...and thus did vampires discover the power of flight. (Now, all they needed was to invent some sort of mouth/bug guard...)
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Part Two: The First Vampiric 'Whammy'
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After that serendipitous, yet unprofitable, attempt to gain a son; LaUgh, (being the rather determined CaveVamp), decided to let his daughter have a crack at luring their vic...err...potential convert into his clutches...
(CaveVamp speak herein translated for the benefit of the modern reader.)
The first annual 'We Beat The Tar Pits Out Of Our Rival Cavemen's 'Sabertooth' FootCocoanut Team' festivities were well under way, but Nicooglah found himself unable to fully enjoy the comradarie, or get fully intoxicated over his liberally-filled shellful of fermented Mastadon milk. Coach had unfairly kept him 'benched' all day just because he angsted about having to tackle somebody. He tugged dejectedly at his new Sabertooth helmet, wondering if he'd ever get the chance to use it and redeem himself to Coach.
His mournful musings were interrupted when a rather well-endowed cavegirl started giving him the 'come hither' eyes. Since she was a Raven-haired cross between Rachel Welch (aka 6 Million B.C., complete with skimpy costume) and Mae West, she was hard to miss.
"Hey, big, blonde, and handsome....Why don't you come up and see me sometime." She tilted her chin at a dark cave opening marked "The Black Pteradactyl", posing suggestively. ( It was a new establishment, recently erected by one 'LaUgh' who had mysteriously attached himself to the clan. So new, in fact, that the the berry-juice painting of the extinct animal was still wet and attracting a share of prehistoric flies.)
But back to the story:
Unfortunately for Jooonet, Nicooglah was rather klewless to such things being as the fermented Mastadon milk was finally starting to kick in. Still, the curly-haired caveboy's reaction was pretty typical for his gender.
"Umm..."
Not wanting to waste any more moonlight on waiting for a more coherant response, Jooonet whipped out the rather large, wooden club she had been hiding behind her back and thwaked him over the head with it.
Needless to say, Nicooglah's response to being so 'whammied' was predictable:
He dropped like a brick.
(Not that bricks had been invented yet. But Nicooglah did a pretty good impersonation of one, nevertheless.)
Satisfied that feminine wiles had won out once again, Jooonet grabbed a fistful of golden locks and proceeded to drag the unprotesting Nicooglah into the cave.
None of his compatriots noticed.
Three nights later, Nicooglah reappeared with a rare allergy to sunlight.
Still, none of his fellow FootCocoanut pals noticed.
Not even when the clan Mammoth herd started to turn anemic. Not even when the local prehistoric mosquitos started delivering strange twin bites set close together. Not even when Nicooglah accidently grinned in public sporting larger top canines than the team's feline mascot.
To this day, modern vampires sigh nostalgically about the good ol' days when mankind didn't have the brains to understand 'emperical evidence.'
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Part Three: CaveVamp Discovers A Better Type Of Whammy
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"LaUgh! LaUgh!"
The Master CaveVamp suppressed a groan as his newest childe yelled excitedly from their cave entrance, arms full what looked like some sort of a large, long snout. He was rethinking his need for a son---Nicooglah was getting to be rather a handful! How the boy had survived this long...
Putting aside his thoughts on a new project for later, LaUgh went to investigate what his son was up to now.
"What is it, Nicooglah?" LaUgh scowled. He could now clearly see that the snout in question belonged---just as he had figured---to a rather motley-looking Mastadon.
The boyish face beamed idiotically at him. "It followed me home, Master! Can I keep him?"
"Nicooglah, how many times have I told you?---Mastadon's are for breakfast. And only during an Ice Age."
"Don't worry, Father?" he said, turned the full effect of his puppy-love eyes on the rugged pachyderm---and unconsciously capturing its female heart. "Fido is cave-broken. Right, boy?"
With a trumpet blast that temporarily stunned the ancient CaveVamp into immobility for precious seconds, the Mastadon dutifully attempted to make the cave 'broken'.
"Nicooglah! You ChimpBrain!" a furious LaUgh yelled before the rising dust from the roof cave-ins choked him off.
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Part Four: CaveVamp Discovers Immortality...Or Close Enough.
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Deciding that he definitely need a vacation from his newest family member, (at least until the cave was repaired), LaUgh sent Nicooglah on a 'survival test'.
For two, blessedly Nicooglah-damage free days, LaUgh basked in the peace of relative solitude--(ie. free from relatives.)
Then, on the third night:
"Master!"
(Oh, no..)
"Master!" Nicooglah burst into their shored-up cave, all breathless with excitement. "You won't believe this, Master---but we're immortal!"
LaUgh decided to best get it over with. There would be no sleep until his son had related the whole boring tale of his 'adventures.'
"Do tell."
"Yes!" Nicooglah beamed happily. He raised a hand and began ticking off the fingers one at a time:
"First, I stepped into a a bog of quick sand which completely swallowed me up! Ruined my shampoo job," he started to pout, "---but I survived without breathing! Second, I got run over by a herd of stampeding Bison---and it only tickled! Fffou--" Nicooglah stared confusedly at his 'ring finger'.
"I believe that would be 'fiftieth', the ancient advised him, with smug superiority. (He was a self-schoooled vamp, afterall.)
"Oh. *Fiftieth*, a volcano shot a big rock that hit me square on the head---to no effect!"
"How could we tell?" LaUgh mumbled to himself.
"Uh?"
"Nothing."
"Anyways---I'm okay! Isn't it gosh neato?"
"Amazing."
Unfortunately, Nicooglah chose that moment of excitement to spy a longish branch sticking out of LaUgh's lit firepit. Picking it up, Nicooglah decided to share the joys of immortality with his sire...
By playfully tossing the blazing spear at him. Forgetting his vampiric strength.
Struck squarely in the chest, the Master CaveVamp was instantly fried.
"Oops." Nicooglah angsted.
From the little pile of ashes rose the mental scream of his sire:
"ChimpBrain!"
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Part Five: CaveVamp Discovers Communications
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Jooonet noticed her sire hunched over a hollowed-out log, methodically tapping on it. Curious as to what he was doing, she sauntered over to investigate.
"What are you doing, LaUgh?"
LaUgh didn't look up as he made a few more calculated thumps. "I taught the humans about 'mono logs' made from the noises I produce from this wood. I find it therapeutic to send out sarcastic messages for the public's benefit." He snickered cruelly. "The ChimpBrains don't even realize I'm 'log casting' insults."
Joonet looked thoughtful. "But don't you already spend time insulting Nicooglah?" she pointed out.
"Who do you think these mono logs are aimed at?"
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End of the Archives.